I forgive you. For everything. For all of this. For anything you did or didn't do while we were together.
Its fine. It is... I understand where you're coming from.
So, I forgive you.
Have a safe trip, and a great summer... this is the last one of these you'll be getting for a while, or forever. I guess you're the one who makes that call.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Thanks for Two Years and Thousands of Groundbreaking Realizations.
I figured a lot of shit out today.
I said them to you, and just outright asked you to be honest and tell me if they were true, you didn't say anything. If you cared at all I think you would have.
I swore this blog wouldn't get like this, but I'm over breaking promises to myself, but this a resounding fuck you to that promise. And, more importantly, to you.
I have never wanted to destroy something more than I do that picture frame. The funniest part is that last week, I told you I couldn't, because something told me not to. Needless to say, there's a hammer that's about to write a new chapter in the life of that picture frame. And a little blue Zippo Lighter that's going to burn away what's left of the time I spent with you.
You see, I typically am not one to run away from a problem, but I have got to admit, I went into full retreat when I saw you standing there... with him. Now, don't get me wrong, who you ride elevators with while you try to avoid me is really none of my goddamn business, but to be frank, don't you think you've given both of us enough shit. And then there's you know, your boyfriend, and God only knows what he would think about all this. I have no idea.
Although this isn't about you, because everything I did was for almost two years, and one year and one day after something pretty amazing happened, it hit me.
I'm holding on to the past.
A tiny sliver is holding on to the notion of us, or was, because the last little bit died tonight. The last bit of hope went out not with a bang, but a whimper. I gave up, in the best way.
I'm too old for a lot of the things I do. I'm too old for as many, if not more, of the things I do.
And so this is the end of the holding on to the past. I am letting go. This is who I am, now, and so I had better get busy living, because I can't die any slower.
This is the goodbye to the past, and hello to a future with your face purposefully absent.
Find a way to unfollow this blog. Because its going to be much easier for both of us if you don't stick around to see me be just fine without you.
I said them to you, and just outright asked you to be honest and tell me if they were true, you didn't say anything. If you cared at all I think you would have.
I swore this blog wouldn't get like this, but I'm over breaking promises to myself, but this a resounding fuck you to that promise. And, more importantly, to you.
I have never wanted to destroy something more than I do that picture frame. The funniest part is that last week, I told you I couldn't, because something told me not to. Needless to say, there's a hammer that's about to write a new chapter in the life of that picture frame. And a little blue Zippo Lighter that's going to burn away what's left of the time I spent with you.
You see, I typically am not one to run away from a problem, but I have got to admit, I went into full retreat when I saw you standing there... with him. Now, don't get me wrong, who you ride elevators with while you try to avoid me is really none of my goddamn business, but to be frank, don't you think you've given both of us enough shit. And then there's you know, your boyfriend, and God only knows what he would think about all this. I have no idea.
Although this isn't about you, because everything I did was for almost two years, and one year and one day after something pretty amazing happened, it hit me.
I'm holding on to the past.
A tiny sliver is holding on to the notion of us, or was, because the last little bit died tonight. The last bit of hope went out not with a bang, but a whimper. I gave up, in the best way.
I'm too old for a lot of the things I do. I'm too old for as many, if not more, of the things I do.
And so this is the end of the holding on to the past. I am letting go. This is who I am, now, and so I had better get busy living, because I can't die any slower.
This is the goodbye to the past, and hello to a future with your face purposefully absent.
Find a way to unfollow this blog. Because its going to be much easier for both of us if you don't stick around to see me be just fine without you.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
What will they wear?
Maybe its just me, but I've always wondered what my funeral, and the events that happen after my death will be like. How I die is not relevant, because that hopefully won't have any effect on the people and events that make up my "memorial period."
Earlier this week, one of the Sigma Kappa sisters passed away. As I stood silently in a circle with members of the Greek community, her sorority sisters, and her non-Greek friends and neighbors, I watched as people stepped forward and told stories about her, and happy memories they had shared.
And part of me wonders if it will go that way for me... Not necessarily the same, gather in a circle in front of my dorm, per se. But, if all my friends, my fraternity brothers, the people I consider the family I don't really have, my parents and one Aunt notwithstanding will show up somewhere... I wonder if they'll gather, and hopefully not in a funeral home, because those are reserved for sad, unhappy deaths. There's no smiles in a funeral home.
Because when I die, I really hope everyone gets wasted, and sits down in the biggest room in my house and tells stories. And those stories don't just have to be the happy ones, because life, my friends, is not all sunshine and rainbows. Granted, for every sad story, I expect one happy one, because it does balance itself out.
I don't want everyone dressed in black, I don't want everyone to sit there and cry. I want my death to cause everyone to celebrate who I was while I was alive. The man they knew and loved, and even some of them, hated. Because I want my most bitter enemies there too. Its not about who you made happy, because if you make everyone happy, then I don't think you're really reaching people. If you do not occasionally piss someone off, then you are not really sending a message that needs sending. So, naturally, I want the people who didn't really like me there, too. Because even if it was in a negative way, I still, technically had an effect on them.
I want people to realize just how much I changed their lives, and go forth from that point trying to do that much more for the people around them... not like Paying it Forward, which is a really trite method of saying you should be nice to people, but rather like, taking the things about me they liked and embodying them in their own way.
"Fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing." -Optimus Prime
Death is the last adventure that we don't know the end result of. People have climbed every mountain, been to the bottom of every ocean, ridden tidal waves, chased tornadoes, and come back to tell us what they saw.
No one I have heard of, with the exception of one particularly exceptional individual, has ever come back from death, and told us what it was like.
"When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse
Earlier this week, one of the Sigma Kappa sisters passed away. As I stood silently in a circle with members of the Greek community, her sorority sisters, and her non-Greek friends and neighbors, I watched as people stepped forward and told stories about her, and happy memories they had shared.
And part of me wonders if it will go that way for me... Not necessarily the same, gather in a circle in front of my dorm, per se. But, if all my friends, my fraternity brothers, the people I consider the family I don't really have, my parents and one Aunt notwithstanding will show up somewhere... I wonder if they'll gather, and hopefully not in a funeral home, because those are reserved for sad, unhappy deaths. There's no smiles in a funeral home.
Because when I die, I really hope everyone gets wasted, and sits down in the biggest room in my house and tells stories. And those stories don't just have to be the happy ones, because life, my friends, is not all sunshine and rainbows. Granted, for every sad story, I expect one happy one, because it does balance itself out.
I don't want everyone dressed in black, I don't want everyone to sit there and cry. I want my death to cause everyone to celebrate who I was while I was alive. The man they knew and loved, and even some of them, hated. Because I want my most bitter enemies there too. Its not about who you made happy, because if you make everyone happy, then I don't think you're really reaching people. If you do not occasionally piss someone off, then you are not really sending a message that needs sending. So, naturally, I want the people who didn't really like me there, too. Because even if it was in a negative way, I still, technically had an effect on them.
I want people to realize just how much I changed their lives, and go forth from that point trying to do that much more for the people around them... not like Paying it Forward, which is a really trite method of saying you should be nice to people, but rather like, taking the things about me they liked and embodying them in their own way.
"Fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing." -Optimus Prime
Death is the last adventure that we don't know the end result of. People have climbed every mountain, been to the bottom of every ocean, ridden tidal waves, chased tornadoes, and come back to tell us what they saw.
No one I have heard of, with the exception of one particularly exceptional individual, has ever come back from death, and told us what it was like.
"When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse
to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle-pox
when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,
I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?
And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,
and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,
and each name a comfortable music in the mouth,
tending, as all music does, toward silence,
and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.
When it's over, I want to say all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.
When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.
I don't want to end up simply having visited this world."
"When Death Comes"
-Mary Oliver
*This post is dedicated to Laura and all her SK sisters. I can not imagine the struggles you are experiencing, but it speaks volumes to Laura's character that you all shared so many stories and fond memories of her Monday night. My thoughts and prayers are with all her families: Greek, biological, and any other. *
Monday, May 11, 2009
How Your Letter Would Have Read.
Names have been changed/omitted to protect the innocent. If you think this applies specifically to you, if you read this, then you're probably right. If you're not sure, then its not you.
Dear,
This is to say thank you. You've been more to me than I can ever imagine, since I met you, I've loved you. I've hated you. I've been everywhere in between... You were my world, as cliche as it is to say, and now you aren't, but I thought I would write you this anyway, since I didn't when I was supposed to... because, frankly, I didn't know about it. So, this is your letter. The one I told you I would write a few months ago, and you would get it when you needed it. I think you need it now. Spring is the time for growth, for life, which is why you need it now, that you're about to grow up in the eyes of all the people around you. You're about to be an adult, and so this is my advice to you for the coming years of your life, regardless of how involved I am in them.
Wear sunscreen.
Okay, joke, sorry. You know, it wouldn't be me without a sunburn joke/ obscure pop-culture reference (props to who can figure that one out and leave a comment).
My real advice is to stay vulnerable.
I realize that I may have hardened you to a lot, with the mistakes I made, which were many, and too often, but you can't let them change you. When I met you, you had everything to give. And you did. You gave yourself without reserve, without care. And I hurt you, but you went on loving me anyway, and that's the kind of love this world doesn't have. A love that forgives. A love that knows the good in someone, no matter how much bad they show.
You will get hurt, we all will, if we love the way we should. We don't deserve it... but we grow through it. But we can't be afraid to love others because someone hurt us.
I would give the world to take back the things I did, but I can't. I can't change the past, but I can hopefully change the future. I did a lot of growing through you, and I've done more since. I think this letter is as much to me as it is to you.
Keep growing up, but stay willing to love, to take chances, to live life to the fullest. I think I could give lessons on wasting potential, so I would hate to see you waste yours. Love with everything you had, the way you loved me once. Love everyone that way. Whether its me, or someone else, just love the way you did once... without care or abandon.
You're beautiful... you gave me more than I could ever hope.
This is your letter,
Zachary Warren Newton.
There's a feeling that's sweeping over me, right now, that I can't really describe. I've had that on my chest for almost three months... Maybe, this is closure, I don't know. Truthfully, I've never felt it before.
"It kills me not to know this, but I've all but just forgetten,
What the color of her eyes were, and her scars and how she got them,
As the telling signs of age rain down, a single tear is dropping,
Down the valleys of an aging face, that this world has forgotten."
-'Savior,' Rise Against.
Dear,
This is to say thank you. You've been more to me than I can ever imagine, since I met you, I've loved you. I've hated you. I've been everywhere in between... You were my world, as cliche as it is to say, and now you aren't, but I thought I would write you this anyway, since I didn't when I was supposed to... because, frankly, I didn't know about it. So, this is your letter. The one I told you I would write a few months ago, and you would get it when you needed it. I think you need it now. Spring is the time for growth, for life, which is why you need it now, that you're about to grow up in the eyes of all the people around you. You're about to be an adult, and so this is my advice to you for the coming years of your life, regardless of how involved I am in them.
Wear sunscreen.
Okay, joke, sorry. You know, it wouldn't be me without a sunburn joke/ obscure pop-culture reference (props to who can figure that one out and leave a comment).
My real advice is to stay vulnerable.
I realize that I may have hardened you to a lot, with the mistakes I made, which were many, and too often, but you can't let them change you. When I met you, you had everything to give. And you did. You gave yourself without reserve, without care. And I hurt you, but you went on loving me anyway, and that's the kind of love this world doesn't have. A love that forgives. A love that knows the good in someone, no matter how much bad they show.
You will get hurt, we all will, if we love the way we should. We don't deserve it... but we grow through it. But we can't be afraid to love others because someone hurt us.
I would give the world to take back the things I did, but I can't. I can't change the past, but I can hopefully change the future. I did a lot of growing through you, and I've done more since. I think this letter is as much to me as it is to you.
Keep growing up, but stay willing to love, to take chances, to live life to the fullest. I think I could give lessons on wasting potential, so I would hate to see you waste yours. Love with everything you had, the way you loved me once. Love everyone that way. Whether its me, or someone else, just love the way you did once... without care or abandon.
You're beautiful... you gave me more than I could ever hope.
This is your letter,
Zachary Warren Newton.
There's a feeling that's sweeping over me, right now, that I can't really describe. I've had that on my chest for almost three months... Maybe, this is closure, I don't know. Truthfully, I've never felt it before.
"It kills me not to know this, but I've all but just forgetten,
What the color of her eyes were, and her scars and how she got them,
As the telling signs of age rain down, a single tear is dropping,
Down the valleys of an aging face, that this world has forgotten."
-'Savior,' Rise Against.
Friday, May 8, 2009
This one wasn't good. It's my blog and I'll edit if I want to.
I decided I didn't like this post. Long story short, I'm going to suck it up this summer and do something I said I'll do.
Between May 29-August 15th or so, I will not be in Kentucky. Feel free to visit me in scenic Durham, North Carolina...
I'm leaving this though:
"I've got my things, I'm good to go,
You met me at the terminal,
Just one more plane ride and its done,
We stood like statues at the gate,
Vacations come and gone too late,
There's so much sun where I'm from,
I had to give it away,
I had to give you away."
"Bruised" -Jack's Mannequin
Between May 29-August 15th or so, I will not be in Kentucky. Feel free to visit me in scenic Durham, North Carolina...
I'm leaving this though:
"I've got my things, I'm good to go,
You met me at the terminal,
Just one more plane ride and its done,
We stood like statues at the gate,
Vacations come and gone too late,
There's so much sun where I'm from,
I had to give it away,
I had to give you away."
"Bruised" -Jack's Mannequin
Preface.
Okay, so here goes.
The last blog I wrote lasted one post. It was depressing, it frankly sucked. I started a new one, I figure this way, at least maybe it will be readable for everyone.
We are officially fucking the old blog. This is a warning, late I suppose, but still very important. It is incredibly likely that there will a form of upsetting language in most of the posts. Typically when I start talking, I say them, and I sometimes thinking in four-letter words, if that's a problem I would suggest you just stop reading. If language is no issue, then keep moving on.
Another warning, I will probably talk frankly about a lot of things. Very frankly. I am blunt, to the point of being ruthless. Not because I hate everyone, I don't. Really, its just because I can't stand when people can't just say something. If you say something mean, or upsetting, I will probably be upset, but I will respect you for it. This is a conditional statement.
So take 2, here goes nothing:
I am awake at 4 AM CST, in my dorm on the 1 1/2 floor of Barnes Campbell Hall at Western Kentucky University. I am awake because I chugged a Mt. Dew with my Chic-fil-a on the way to the hookah bar. Bad decision. Now I'm sitting here, blogging. What a night the last "Thirsty Thursday" of the year turned out to be.
I've decided to pick this back up, especially while I'm in North Carolina this summer. I've decided to start now, since, you know, I'm struggling to discover what the hell else one does when awake at 4 AM.
So here it is, the travelogue/journal (not in a homo diary sort of way)/digital notebook for my summer.
I hope its all you want it to be and more.
"Tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone, the worst is over, you can have the best of me. We get older, but we're still young, we never grow out of this feeling that we won't, feeling that we get, we're not ready to give up." -The Starting Line "Best of Me"
PS. I'm gonna end each one with a lyric of a song that said something important to me, in a lot of these I bet I wind up talking about what the lyric means, or why I thought it was pertinent to me and thus, worth mentioning. A lot, but not always. Variety is the spice of life.
Have a very good bye.
The last blog I wrote lasted one post. It was depressing, it frankly sucked. I started a new one, I figure this way, at least maybe it will be readable for everyone.
We are officially fucking the old blog. This is a warning, late I suppose, but still very important. It is incredibly likely that there will a form of upsetting language in most of the posts. Typically when I start talking, I say them, and I sometimes thinking in four-letter words, if that's a problem I would suggest you just stop reading. If language is no issue, then keep moving on.
Another warning, I will probably talk frankly about a lot of things. Very frankly. I am blunt, to the point of being ruthless. Not because I hate everyone, I don't. Really, its just because I can't stand when people can't just say something. If you say something mean, or upsetting, I will probably be upset, but I will respect you for it. This is a conditional statement.
So take 2, here goes nothing:
I am awake at 4 AM CST, in my dorm on the 1 1/2 floor of Barnes Campbell Hall at Western Kentucky University. I am awake because I chugged a Mt. Dew with my Chic-fil-a on the way to the hookah bar. Bad decision. Now I'm sitting here, blogging. What a night the last "Thirsty Thursday" of the year turned out to be.
I've decided to pick this back up, especially while I'm in North Carolina this summer. I've decided to start now, since, you know, I'm struggling to discover what the hell else one does when awake at 4 AM.
So here it is, the travelogue/journal (not in a homo diary sort of way)/digital notebook for my summer.
I hope its all you want it to be and more.
"Tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone, the worst is over, you can have the best of me. We get older, but we're still young, we never grow out of this feeling that we won't, feeling that we get, we're not ready to give up." -The Starting Line "Best of Me"
PS. I'm gonna end each one with a lyric of a song that said something important to me, in a lot of these I bet I wind up talking about what the lyric means, or why I thought it was pertinent to me and thus, worth mentioning. A lot, but not always. Variety is the spice of life.
Have a very good bye.
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